All My Men

As girls (a huge over-generalization I'm sure) our true loves will always be our pets. There's something about that unconditional, you-are-a-literally-my-everything, kind of love that even the best of boyfriends can't compete with. Yes, there is plenty that we get from our boyfriends that dogs can't give us, and their love is certainly deeper, full of understanding and all that other good stuff; but our men just aren't our dogs... I think more then anything it comes down to vanity, pets have no choice but to love and worship us no matter how long we go without showering or how grumpy we can be. Maybe it's about safety too, because no sane person would be with me if I was mean and smelly.

I come home from work and both my men are there, in my apartment, sitting on the couch. I walk in and shawn looks up from his computer to say, "hey babe." The dog jumps off the couch, squeals and proceeds to jump into my arms and lick every inch of my face because this is his favorite part of the day. The dog continues to delight in my presence for then next several hours while we go for a walk, cuddle on the couch and play tug of war. Shawn likely gets up at one point to give me a kiss, and if he isn't completely caught up in work we'll talk about the day.

Tea on the Patio

Hello all! (and by all, I mean my mother and probably one of my aunts who will read this) It has been a long time since I've rambled at you and you probably thought you were safe from my nonsense, but, SURPRISE! Here I am with my lists and run-on sentences and my inability to ride a bike.

I had a friend visit me yesterday from out of town and I realized something very important. BOULDER IS AN ODD PLACE. It's winter, but winter in Boulder means that occasionally it's blizarding hibernation weather and occasionally it's in the 60's. Yesturday was one of the glorious beautiful days where you wear a dress and ignore the piles of snow on every corner and soak up the sun. I was hoping I could have some of my friends come and meet this lovely out-of-town lady and that's where I realized how odd Boulder is.

Every single person I knew was skiing or biking or climbing or slack-line-yoga-ing and unable to come for lunch or a walk downtown. I'm starting to think maybe this place is TOO active. It's not like I was trying to convince people to sit in a dark room and ignore the beautiful Colorado day. I was asking them to just be a little less athletic and enjoy the day on a patio drinking tea or local beer and enjoying some street music downtown.

I am not an active person, I am most definitely a drink-tea-and-enjoy-music-on-the-patio kind of person, but am I the only one in this damn city? How have I found myself in a place where only extreme sports are sports and exercising is the high point of everyone's day? Going to the gym is without a doubt, the WORST PART OF MY DAY, and I thought I shared that with the majority of living, gym-going individuals. When did I become the outcast?

Grad School is NOT Grown Up

I have found yet another way to put off being an adult: Grad School! Sure, it seems grown up and is filled with responsibilities BUT it is still not truly adult, and here is why:

1. I can wear leggings to work any day.
2. I can dye my hair purple (which is already done) and no one will mind.
3. I can buy 3lbs of cheap coffee at Costco and when people look at me funny I can again reply, "I am a student."
4. I'll have an income, without actually having a career (even though have as much lab work and teaching work as a career) I'll also be getting paid (barely) to go to class!
5. Because I said so

Heres to 6 more years (at least) of not being a grown up! And to my newest adventure: attempting a PhD in cellular aging genetics.




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Sleezebags

I gave up on the whole blog affair when I realised I don't actually do anything exciting enough anymore. But then I realised, when did being boring keep people off the internet? It's not like my life was every THAT exciting to begin with... I was just awkward, and that certainly hasn't changed. Just this morning I ran up behind a girl who looked EXACTLY like a friend of mine and yelled hey sleezebag (to comment on the very old looking sweatpants she was wearing) to find it was some poor tiny freshman who now likely thinks I'm cruel and deranged. So why not share these pointless facts and stories on the internet? I give you this as fair warning, I am officially back to blogging my nonsense for your utter dismay or enjoyment. Cheers.


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This is me, staying put

I find myself again getting restless, getting tired of the routine of my 9-5 job and tired of the horrid April snow storms that move in every Monday like clockwork from the west. Maybe I'm not used to settling down, or maybe the weight of adulthood has finally caught up with me and crashed down upon my head. I find solace in the songs that express what I cannot and which play on loop through my head while I swim slow laps in the pool every morning.

The best part of my day is right before I go to sleep, after my shower, when i'm cuddled up in bed reading whichever book I've picked off the shelf. I have an ever-growing stack next to my bed of books I am working through, each specific to a mood or a feeling which will ease me into sleep.

The more restless I become, the more desperately I throw myself into the world of my books, textbooks, poetry, literature, more poetry, anything and everything to distract me from pending responsibilities.

This will be the longest I have lived in one place since high school and perhaps that's what is so scary. Perhaps it's going back to school which has me so on edge. Maybe I just need it to be warm and sunny and colorful outside again.

A True Hero of Mine

More Lists

Remember when this blog had tons of lists and they were really really fun? No? Well, you must at least remember when there were tons of lists... Lets have more of that.


Here is a list of my favorite books:

The Virgin Suicides
Here Be Monsters
A Sand County Almanac: With Other Essays on Conservation from Round River
Hills like White Elephants
Fun Home
Alice in Wonderland
The Great Gatsby
The Sea Around Us

Suggestions?

This is me, being ok.

I am convinced everything great has already been done. I will never do great things or be great and that's ok. Ill be ok. Ok is not so bad, after all. When did it become so important to be better then that?


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Hide your crazy and now act like a lady

Anyone who has known me for more then 10 minutes knows that I have the worst luck with men, partially because I whine about it constantly and partially because it is just painfully true. From my first attempted relationship with a boy who could have competed in asshole olympics to my most recent run in with batshit insane, it has been bleek. I can't let men take all the credit, my ability to turn any date into a circus of awkward situations has certainly played a role along with my aggressive sense of humor.

But here I am, dating, and for once actually dating well (I think). I definitely have not become less awkward, or aggressive, or uncoordinated but I have found a guy who somehow finds these things endearing AND happens to be wonderful.

My strategy?

1. Go on a lot of dates, and don't attempt to hide the crazy. It's better to scare a guy off right away with your love for glitter and dancing badly in public then to fall for a guy and then scare him off later.

2. Just because he likes you does not mean he is worth dating. I think it's true women fall for assholes, but I also think we get over it. You only have to date one or two (and we all have) to realize it's not worth it.

3. Get a dog. On more then one occasion I have found myself lying on my roommates floor yelling that I would rather stay home and play with my dog then go on a scheduled date. And I did, if you are less excited to see a guy then to put on sweatpants and play tug-of-war while drinking wine the guy is probably not worth it and you are probably a ninety year old woman inside, embrace it.

I am not giving advice here, you would have to be insane to take advice from someone with my track-record, this is me proudly proclaiming to the internet that I may be starting to figure something out. But don't be disappointed, I am sure there will be many an awkward dating story to share in the future.

GIRLS

I think the show is honest, and I appreciate that. Lena Dunham has not created the characters we want to be, but the characters we are. I find myself simultaneously hating and relating to most of what they do. For a generation of 20-somethings still told we have the world at our fingertips but believing less and less that we will ever reach it, the show rings true. Maybe this makes me shallow or self-depricating, but I take comfort in my ability to relate to characters without having to build myself up first.

From The Man Repeller (a personal blog hero of mine): "I’ll watch either way–it’s hard for me to deny Girls’ uncanny ability to break-down the twenty-something experience, which has also helped me to understand something very important: the fundamental difference between the idol you want to be, and the one you want to be friends with. Hannah Horvath is a deeply self-deprecating, wholly irritating individual–who wants to be that? Not very many people, I would guess. But it is in the tender moments that exemplify the nuanced, true details of female friendship that I for one, itch to get in that tub and participate in an Oasis sing-along. And isn’t that worth something far more valuable? Hannah never steals our personal compasses of self-worth or adequacy."

So maybe it's a guilty pleasure, but mostly I find that watching the show girls reminds me that it's OK to wallow in self-deprecating, narcissistic soul searching in hopes of coming out the other side an adult. It is a true testament to our "lost" generation of over privileged, confused 20-somethings desperate to find our way and make our contribution in the often underwhelming world of adulthood.

This is me, considering grad school

I know I am not alone. A whole generation of upper middle class children with the world at their knees. This is not a new idea, It's a coming of age far too late sort of tale. pushed through with every advantage one could have until, with the whole wide world at our feet we ask 'what now?'

I haven't lived a sheltered life, but a life motivated by ideals. As if it would all fall into place one day. But here I am, 23, with my life still in pieces. I have a good job, but not the kind of job you want to work forever. I could go to grad school but my grades are somewhat lacking and my motivation towards a future of uncertainty is waning fast.

I wasn't prepared for this. Perhaps something is broken inside of me, but I don't have any sort of idea what kind of future I want. I was raised to believe I was extraordinary and capable but I am not. I am one of many college graduates, sitting behind a desk, writing a blog that no one reads.

Home sweet home

What a wonderful way to start the day! It's pretty nice to be home, although I am having some serious katie withdrawals... But 10 days is a long time to be away and it is so very nice to see the people I had missed. I plan on hibernating until it warms up outside, but it's certainly pretty to look at!

My little old man

Here Be Monsters

I read a book a couple years back that changes my life. I don't think it mattered so much what the book was as what I was going through when I read it. I was looking for something, or not looking, but expecting, and I picked up one of many good books I could have picked up and there it was; exactly what I didn't know I had been expecting.

I think that's how it is with everything, with books, religion, friends, it is less about them and always about us. I think as people we are always looking for something whether or not we know it and because of that we find it in something else and that something else takes responsibility for what we were looking for, it represents finding and keeping what we need.

I think because there are so many books to pick up or people to meet we are always finding what we are looking for and not knowing it and this makes us happy.

We find what we need, externalise it and make it a part of us. Then we go on looking, but in a subtle way that can never be disappointing. I like that.

The book was Here be Monsters by Collin Cheney.

Happy holidays

Shorts

Boys are stupid, and girls are crazy. I've posted it a thousand times before. But what if the boy is crazy? does that make the girl stupid?

I feel like alice on her head when the whole world grows huge. Except Alice had it easy, she had a rabbit to fallow and mushrooms to eat, which is more of a plan then I have got.

I love the holidays, I love the decorations and the food and the tradition. The holidays feel like home no matter where I am. I am home this year, or at least as close to home as I've been in many years. Again I find myself alone in a new place; and again I am overwhelmed with both excitement and loneliness at the idea.

If you find yourself needing more holiday cheer, just pop on the Sufjan Stevens Christmas collection. It's just that good.

Holiday parties

Not Much

I'm still feeling rather turned inside out, which has kept me from posting because who wants a wingy blog? Regardless, life seems to be settling down a bit (finally) and I am getting back into the swing of things. Adult life is still adult life and I still always have too much to do at work and not enough time to cook proper meals or even go shopping for proper food. Being single has lent itself more towards embroidery then going out which is a bit pathetic but also quite productive. I've been working on a lovely little mushroom series and don't even have to put on make up.

Kerplam

It's astonishing how fast things change, how fast people change, how fast relationships change, how fast your whole life can be shaken upside down. The problem is, I'm not so sure how to get myself right side up anymore. I was standing here with my life properly set up and running along on it's own when KERPLAM, the whole thing fell sideways, shook around a bit and landed upside down.