This is me, being ok.

I am convinced everything great has already been done. I will never do great things or be great and that's ok. Ill be ok. Ok is not so bad, after all. When did it become so important to be better then that?


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Hide your crazy and now act like a lady

Anyone who has known me for more then 10 minutes knows that I have the worst luck with men, partially because I whine about it constantly and partially because it is just painfully true. From my first attempted relationship with a boy who could have competed in asshole olympics to my most recent run in with batshit insane, it has been bleek. I can't let men take all the credit, my ability to turn any date into a circus of awkward situations has certainly played a role along with my aggressive sense of humor.

But here I am, dating, and for once actually dating well (I think). I definitely have not become less awkward, or aggressive, or uncoordinated but I have found a guy who somehow finds these things endearing AND happens to be wonderful.

My strategy?

1. Go on a lot of dates, and don't attempt to hide the crazy. It's better to scare a guy off right away with your love for glitter and dancing badly in public then to fall for a guy and then scare him off later.

2. Just because he likes you does not mean he is worth dating. I think it's true women fall for assholes, but I also think we get over it. You only have to date one or two (and we all have) to realize it's not worth it.

3. Get a dog. On more then one occasion I have found myself lying on my roommates floor yelling that I would rather stay home and play with my dog then go on a scheduled date. And I did, if you are less excited to see a guy then to put on sweatpants and play tug-of-war while drinking wine the guy is probably not worth it and you are probably a ninety year old woman inside, embrace it.

I am not giving advice here, you would have to be insane to take advice from someone with my track-record, this is me proudly proclaiming to the internet that I may be starting to figure something out. But don't be disappointed, I am sure there will be many an awkward dating story to share in the future.

GIRLS

I think the show is honest, and I appreciate that. Lena Dunham has not created the characters we want to be, but the characters we are. I find myself simultaneously hating and relating to most of what they do. For a generation of 20-somethings still told we have the world at our fingertips but believing less and less that we will ever reach it, the show rings true. Maybe this makes me shallow or self-depricating, but I take comfort in my ability to relate to characters without having to build myself up first.

From The Man Repeller (a personal blog hero of mine): "I’ll watch either way–it’s hard for me to deny Girls’ uncanny ability to break-down the twenty-something experience, which has also helped me to understand something very important: the fundamental difference between the idol you want to be, and the one you want to be friends with. Hannah Horvath is a deeply self-deprecating, wholly irritating individual–who wants to be that? Not very many people, I would guess. But it is in the tender moments that exemplify the nuanced, true details of female friendship that I for one, itch to get in that tub and participate in an Oasis sing-along. And isn’t that worth something far more valuable? Hannah never steals our personal compasses of self-worth or adequacy."

So maybe it's a guilty pleasure, but mostly I find that watching the show girls reminds me that it's OK to wallow in self-deprecating, narcissistic soul searching in hopes of coming out the other side an adult. It is a true testament to our "lost" generation of over privileged, confused 20-somethings desperate to find our way and make our contribution in the often underwhelming world of adulthood.

This is me, considering grad school

I know I am not alone. A whole generation of upper middle class children with the world at their knees. This is not a new idea, It's a coming of age far too late sort of tale. pushed through with every advantage one could have until, with the whole wide world at our feet we ask 'what now?'

I haven't lived a sheltered life, but a life motivated by ideals. As if it would all fall into place one day. But here I am, 23, with my life still in pieces. I have a good job, but not the kind of job you want to work forever. I could go to grad school but my grades are somewhat lacking and my motivation towards a future of uncertainty is waning fast.

I wasn't prepared for this. Perhaps something is broken inside of me, but I don't have any sort of idea what kind of future I want. I was raised to believe I was extraordinary and capable but I am not. I am one of many college graduates, sitting behind a desk, writing a blog that no one reads.

Home sweet home

What a wonderful way to start the day! It's pretty nice to be home, although I am having some serious katie withdrawals... But 10 days is a long time to be away and it is so very nice to see the people I had missed. I plan on hibernating until it warms up outside, but it's certainly pretty to look at!

My little old man