This is me, being useful

I scrubbed in on two hysterectomies yesterday and got to hold the retractor! Which basically made my life complete, and almost makes up for the fact that I promptly passed out. Watching the surgery was very surreal, I have been dissecting a cadaver this year and so I thought I had a pretty good idea on what insides look like, but I don't. Everything was so bright and colorful. The bowel seems not to be held in place at all, as when the surgeon opened the abdominal cavity she just started shoving them up and out of the way. The smell, when they first open the skin and then cortarize the superficial vessels down to the fascia, is horrific. Burning epithelium and melting fat. It wasn't until the second surgery, when I got to actually hold things and be useful that I felt ill. It took me by surprise because I couldn't see any of what was going on, and so it wasn't a reaction to all the blood. Perhaps I was overexcited, or perhaps it started to actually become real, but either way it was embarrassing. I did, however, manage not to fall onto the patient or any of the doctors, which I consider an accomplishment.